Sunday at 1 League Newsletter

Week 2 Recap & Awards

Romulan Warbirds (147.74) def. Buffalo Soldier (143.05)
Coach Dennis stayed undefeated thanks to Jonathan Taylor’s tractor-sized 37.5 points and Tucker Kraft looking like prime Gronk. Coach Dave got a monster from Lamar and a nuke from kicker Brandon Aubrey (24.5!) but watched his Broncos D/ST put up the dreaded donut. Coach Dennis afterward: “The Romulan Empire doesn’t rebuild. We assimilate.”

Red Zone Assassins (144.50) def. Cranjis McBasketball (114.78)
Coach John’s Ja’Marr Chase went full cheat code with 40.5 points. The Assassins defense even scored a TD, proving that unlike Coach Jackson’s roster, they actually showed up. Cranjis sits at 0-2, which feels about right for a team that trots out Kareem Hunt in 2025. Coach Jackson’s postgame quote: “At least I didn’t draft Nathan Peterman.”

The Shottenheimers (173.80) def. Jobu Needs a Refill (113.84)
Coach Chris finally escaped the Toilet Bowl curse with a 173-point explosion. Amon-Ra (41.2) and Puka Nacua (31.6) dragged him to glory like Clydesdales hauling beer. Coach Rich’s team? More like flat soda. Hurts looked hungover, his RBs were mid, and he lost by 60. Coach Chris afterward: “You like that, Neil?!” (Neil: “I didn’t even play you.”)

Fighting Jive Turkeys (160.70) def. Steel Curtain (109.82)
Coach Connor unleashed a five-RB stampede and even Baker Mayfield looked like an actual NFL quarterback. Coach Jeff’s Josh Allen shrank from 50 points last week to 11, reminding everyone he’s the fantasy equivalent of a rollercoaster. Coach Connor afterward: “Turkey’s back on the menu, boys.”

CRUSHERS (113.24) def. The Year (99.88)
Coach Chuck, the reigning champ, remains undefeated despite Joe Burrow putting up high school JV numbers (9 points). CeeDee Lamb and Jauan Jennings bailed him out while Coach Neil’s squad flatlined. McCaffrey tried, but Neil’s kicker gave him a big, fat zero. Coach Neil afterward: “My team hates me. I hate them back.”

Droppin’ Deuces (151.90) def. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (101.58)
Coach Brad dropped a spicy Deuce all over Coach Brian. Drake Maye (30.3), Davante Adams, and Jameson Williams turned this into a blowout. Meanwhile, Justin Fields had 3 passing completions. Yes, THREE. Coach Brian afterward: “I might start a petition to switch to flag football scoring.”

League Awards

ð Stud of the Week: Amon-Ra St. Brown (41.2) – Coach Chris’s sun god roasted Chicago harder than a deep-dish pizza.

𤡠Dumpster Fire of the Week: Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (101.58) – when your QB throws for 27 yards, the award practically mails itself.

ðï¸ Bench Blunder: Coach Neil playing a double-TE set while leaving points on the pine. “Galaxy brain” never works, Neil.

ð¦ Turkey of the Week: Zach Charbonnet (1.0) – Coach John started him anyway, and still won. That’s peak disrespect.

ð¥ Glass Jaw Award: Coach Dave’s Buffalo Soldier – 143 points should win, but the Romulans are merciless.

Closing Thoughts

Week 2 gave us Coach Chris finally looking like a football genius, Coach Dennis marching to 2-0, and Coach Jackson solidifying himself as the league’s free win. Meanwhile, Coach Brian’s QB situation is so bad, rumor has it he’s scouting Tim Tebow.

Power Rankings (Week 2)

1. Romulan Warbirds (2-0) – Coach Dennis is running a galactic empire.

2. CRUSHERS (2-0) – Coach Chuck wins ugly, but still wins.

3. The Shottenheimers (1-1) – Toilet Bowl who? Chris is suddenly dangerous.

4. Fighting Jive Turkeys (1-1) – Connor’s RB hoard is frightening.

5. Droppin’ Deuces (1-1) – Brad just flushed Brian with authority.

6. Red Zone Assassins (1-1) – Coach John rebounded with Ja’Marr’s explosion.

7. Buffalo Soldier (1-1) – Tough loss, but Lamar + Tyreek keep Dave dangerous.

8. The Year (1-1) – Neil’s team peaked in Week 1; Week 2 was a hangover.

9. Jobu Needs a Refill (1-1) – Rich is already out of rum.

10. Steel Curtain (1-1) – From 145 points to 109; Josh Allen giveth, Josh Allen taketh away.

11. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (0-2) – Brian’s QBs are actively sabotaging him.

12. Cranjis McBasketball (0-2) – Jackson’s team is basically a fantasy bye week.