The Year Ascends: Kyren & CMC Baptize the League
Coach Chris prayed, the Year preached touchdowns.
Sunday at 1 League Newsletter – Week 5
“Fantasy Fallout & the Church of St. Kyren”
Because faith may move mountains, but touchdowns move standings.
The Year (181.44) def. The Shottenheimers (134.20)
Coach Neil’s team ascended to fantasy heaven behind Kyren and CMC’s holy trinity of touchdowns. Coach Chris tried to keep pace but drowned in the baptismal font of fantasy despair.
Coach Neil: “The sermon was simple: repent or get run over.”
Steel Curtain (141.06) def. Buffalo Soldier (130.32)
Coach Jeff quietly keeps stacking wins. Coach Dave, meanwhile, keeps stacking moral lessons. Rico Dowdle exploded, but Khalil Herbert forgot what sport he was playing.
Coach Dave: “We played hard, but you can’t win when your running back’s stat line looks like a typo.”
Jobu Needs a Refill (146.40) def. Red Zone Assassins (122.87)
Coach Rich took another sip from Jobu’s chalice and smited Coach John’s crew. Chase went nuclear, but Seattle’s defense committed fantasy treason. John’s team looks like it needs an exorcism.
Coach John: “We’re out of excuses and into prayer.”
Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (148.72) def. Romulan Warbirds (145.18)
Elvis stayed in the building — and spiked the mic. Fields was electric, JSN finally paid rent, and Waller rose from the dead. Dennis’s Warbirds fought valiantly but crash-landed short of glory.
Coach Brian: “That’s what happens when you doubt The King.”
Cranjis McBasketball (140.90) def. Fighting Jive Turkeys (138.52)
Coach Jackson’s Dak-led squad squeaked out another win, leaving Coach Connor muttering about moral victories and kicker curses. The Jive Turkeys strutted, but Cranjis got the last laugh.
Coach Jackson: “We don’t win pretty — we win with pure chaos.”
CRUSHERS (144.46) def. Droppin’ Deuces (104.92)
Coach Chuck crushed it, riding Stafford’s cannon arm and Barner’s breakout. Coach Brad’s team, however, forgot the part about scoring points. The Deuces dropped everything but touchdowns.
Coach Brad: “You ever try turning fantasy football off and back on again?”
Weekly Crown – The Year (181.44)
Coach Neil took Week 5 by storm, baptizing the league in touchdowns. Kyren Williams and CMC led a fantasy crusade that left the standings in shambles.
League Awards:
Stud of the Week – Rico Dowdle (44.4 pts, Buffalo Soldier)
Coach Dave’s one-man army put up numbers that could start a new religion. Sadly, the rest of his roster skipped mass.
Dumpster Fire of the Week ð"¥ – Droppin’ Deuces (104.92)
Coach Brad’s team didn’t just drop deuces — they clogged the whole system. No player cracked 20 points.
Lineup Blunder – Khalil Herbert (0.18 pts, Buffalo Soldier)
Coach Dave trusted Herbert, who rewarded him with the football equivalent of a sneeze. 0.18 points — that’s less than a PAT attempt.
Upset of the Week – Hunka Hunka Bernie Love over Warbirds
Coach Brian sang his way past Coach Dennis in a tight one. When your tight end scores 18 and your QB channels 2018 Mahomes, you get the encore you deserve.
Power Rankings – Week 5 Edition
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The Year (2-3) — Kyren & CMC just built a megachurch.
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Steel Curtain (4-1) — Steady, sturdy, slightly scary.
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Jobu Needs a Refill (4-1) — The voodoo stays undefeated.
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Cranjis McBasketball (3-2) — The Sun God flickers, not fades.
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The Shottenheimers (3-2) — Bounced out of heaven, still solid.
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CRUSHERS (3-2) — Barner breakout, Stafford clinic.
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Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (2-3) — Elvis has re-entered the building.
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Romulan Warbirds (2-3) — Strong lineup, weak karma.
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Fighting Jive Turkeys (2-3) — Mahomes can’t do it all, but he tries.
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Red Zone Assassins (2-3) — Chase is cooking; the rest are microwaving.
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Droppin’ Deuces (2-3) — Name’s the brand; play is the proof.
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Buffalo Soldier (1-4) — Dowdle delivers, Herbert vanishes.
Closing Thought
Week 5 reminded us all that fantasy football is part skill, part luck, and mostly pain. Pray for health, praise the waiver wire, and remember: one man’s 0.18 is another man’s glory.
