Sunday at 1 Fantasy League Newsletter – Week 4

Buffalo Soldier (130.28) vs Jobu Needs a Refill (138.20)

Coach Dave had Bucky Irving go off like a firework at a Fourth of July cookout, but Jobu’s Omarion Hampton absolutely detonated the scoreboard with 34.5. Coach Rich needed every bit of that because the rest of his squad was out there doing yoga instead of football. Final nail? Dallas Goedert doubling up at TE like he was playing Pop Warner against kindergartners.
Coach Dave (postgame): “My team put up a fight, but I’m starting to think my defense is allergic to stopping touchdowns.”

Red Zone Assassins (88.00) vs The Shottenheimers (155.26)

Coach John’s squad forgot football existed this week. Ja’Marr Chase looked like he was on a cigarette break while his QB must have been vacationing in Cancun. Meanwhile, Coach Chris unleashed Puka Nacua, who went full demigod with 40 points. The Shottenheimers keep climbing from last year’s Toilet Bowl to potential throne.
Coach John (postgame): “I’m calling IT — I think my QB downloaded the wrong playbook.”

Cranjis McBasketball (186.28) vs Romulan Warbirds (169.04)

The fantasy game of the week! Coach Jackson dropped nearly 190, led by Jordan Love playing like Aaron Rodgers without the ayahuasca. Josh Jacobs and Kenneth Gainwell both ran like they were trying to win back child support payments. Coach Dennis put up 169, which would win most weeks, but Cranjis was in full Harlem Globetrotter mode.
Coach Dennis (postgame): “169 points and I still lose? This league is rigged.”

Fighting Jive Turkeys (167.50) vs Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (145.68)

Coach Connor’s Jive Turkeys strutted tall thanks to Patrick Mahomes throwing bombs like he was mad at the scoreboard. Jefferson chipped in a cool 26, and suddenly Coach Brian’s squad looked more like Hunka Hunka Burnt-Out Love. Even George Pickens’ 35-point eruption couldn’t save the day.
Coach Brian (postgame): “At least I finally cracked 140. That’s like a win for me, right?”

Steel Curtain (161.68) vs CRUSHERS (112.60)

Coach Jeff’s team pounded CRUSHERS like a steel drum. Josh Allen and Emeka Egbuka combined for enough points to get CRUSHERS’ entire roster benched. Coach Chuck looked less like the reigning champ and more like a guy who drafted with a blindfold on.
Coach Chuck (postgame): “We’re still the champs until proven otherwise… which might be next week.”

Droppin’ Deuces (147.72) vs The Year (141.12)

Coach Brad squeezed out a W, fitting for his team name. Rookie Drake Maye led the charge, and Quinshon Judkins looked like Barry Sanders in a college jersey. Coach Neil put up 141 but got flushed by Brad’s Deuce-dropper.
Coach Neil (postgame): “My team didn’t stink — Brad just stunk worse in the best way possible.”

League Awards

Stud of the Week: Cranjis’ Jordan Love (40.28) — finally proving he belongs in the NFL and in Coach Jackson’s heart.

Dumpster Fire of the Week: Red Zone Assassins — Coach John didn’t even crack 90. Somewhere, Ja’Marr Chase is laughing.

Bench Blunder: Buffalo Soldier — Dave left points on the bench again, and his starters looked like they were in witness protection.

Turkey of the Week: Jaylen Warren (0.0) for Jobu — he might as well have stayed in the locker room and played Candy Crush.

Glass Jaw Award: Romulan Warbirds — 169 points wasted because Cranjis decided to cosplay as the 2013 Denver Broncos.

Weekly Crown 

Cranjis McBasketball (186.28) – Coach Jackson seizes back-to-back glory as Week 4’s top scorer. Powered by Jordan Love and a backfield that went full Madden cheat code, Cranjis piled up 186 and left the Warbirds wondering if points are even real anymore. From league punchline to scoreboard tyrant, Coach Jackson is suddenly the bully on the block.

Power Rankings (Week 4)

1. Cranjis McBasketball – The new Globetrotters of the league.

2. Shottenheimers – From Toilet to Title run. Cinderella vibes.

3. Steel Curtain – Solid, but Josh Allen better keep cooking.

4. Fighting Jive Turkeys – Mahomes + Jefferson = danger.

5. Romulan Warbirds – Great squad, terrible luck.

6. Jobu Needs a Refill – Somehow winning while RBs nap.

7. Droppin’ Deuces – Brad’s bathroom humor pays off.

8. Buffalo Soldier – Needs reinforcements fast.

9. The Year – Scoring, but still falling short.

10. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love – More hunka than love right now.

11. CRUSHERS – Champ in name only. Dumpster in disguise.

12. Red Zone Assassins – Coach John, was this a bye week?

Closing Thought

Week 4 reminded us that in fantasy football, heartbreak is inevitable — unless you’re Cranjis, who’s out here turning opponents into blooper reels. The rest of you? Better start praying to the waiver wire gods, because no one wants to be remembered as this year’s Toilet Bowl legend.