Sunday at 1 League Newsletter

Week 3 Recap & Awards

Cranjis McBasketball (172.50) def. Buffalo Soldier (125.22)
Coach Jackson finally escaped the league basement by dropping a 172-point haymaker. David Montgomery went full Barry Sanders and the Steelers D/ST turned into the ’85 Bears. Coach Dave’s Lamar + Garrett Wilson combo kept it respectable, but the rest of his squad ghosted harder than a Tinder date. Coach Jackson afterward: “This is the new Cranjis era. Respect the name.”

Red Zone Assassins (122.38) def. Romulan Warbirds (116.52)
Coach John’s Assassins squeaked by thanks to Cam Skattebo (yes, that’s a real person) and Seattle’s D/ST scoring like they were on steroids. Coach Dennis had Jonathan Taylor bulldozing for 36, but Penix Jr. threw like he was wearing mittens. Coach John afterward: “The Romulans were decloaked and destroyed.”

Jobu Needs a Refill (147.84) def. CRUSHERS (67.42)
Coach Rich woke up his hungover squad with Hurts, A.J. Brown, and Pittman all balling. Meanwhile, Coach Chuck’s CRUSHERS forgot to set their alarm. CeeDee Lamb scored zero, and the whole team combined for what looked like a preseason scrimmage. Coach Rich afterward: “Jobu is back, baby. Pour me another.”

The Shottenheimers (149.26) def. Fighting Jive Turkeys (142.96)
Coach Chris keeps climbing out of the Toilet Bowl shadow, led by Jordan Mason’s shocker and Puka Nacua’s monster 26.8. Coach Connor got solid numbers everywhere, but Mahomes barely looked awake. Coach Chris afterward: “Turkey’s off the table. Bring me steak.”

Steel Curtain (129.36) def. Droppin’ Deuces (108.92)
Coach Jeff got Josh Allen back on track, and his Eagles D/ST even scored. Coach Brad’s Deuces, meanwhile, stunk up the joint — Kamara was bottled, Ridley disappeared, and only Ricky Pearsall gave him hope. Coach Jeff afterward: “The Curtain never closes.”

Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (132.68) def. The Year (108.90)
Coach Brian got his first win behind Jahmyr Gibbs finally looking like the guy he was drafted to be. Coach Neil had CMC’s 28 but nobody else showed up. Hopkins, Diggs, and Nabers combined for 10 points — more like The Weak. Coach Brian afterward: “This is the start of my Elvis comeback tour.”

League Awards

Stud of the Week: David Montgomery (32.4) – Coach Jackson’s RB bulldozed the Ravens into submission.

Dumpster Fire of the Week: CRUSHERS (67.42) – Coach Chuck’s entire team deserves community service.

Bench Blunder: Coach Dave leaving big plays to rot while Josh Palmer gave him 1.5. Pain.

Turkey of the Week: Michael Penix Jr. (3.7) – Coach Dennis got Penixed.

Glass Jaw Award: Fighting Jive Turkeys – 142 points should win, but Chris’ Shottenheimers had other plans.

Point-Shaving Award: CRUSHERS again — 67 points in this league is basically a forfeit.

Weekly Crown 

Cranjis McBasketball (172.50) – Coach Jackson takes the throne as Week 3’s top scorer. After two weeks of looking like a free win, Cranjis suddenly dropped 172, reminding everyone that even the worst teams have one good week in them.

Power Rankings (Week 3)

1. The Shottenheimers (2-1) – Chris has gone from Toilet Bowl to contender in three weeks.

2. Cranjis McBasketball (1-2) – Jackson just exploded. If it wasn’t a fluke, watch out.

3. Jobu Needs a Refill (2-1) – Rich bounced back in style. The rum is flowing again.

4. Red Zone Assassins (2-1) – John’s team wins ugly, but they win.

5. Steel Curtain (2-1) – Jeff steadied the ship with Josh Allen and a stout D.

6. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (1-2) – Brian finally found the building. Gibbs might save him.

7. Romulan Warbirds (2-1) – Dennis needs a QB who can see over the line of scrimmage.

8. Fighting Jive Turkeys (1-2) – Connor scored big but got roasted by Chris’ hot streak.

9. Buffalo Soldier (1-2) – Dave has Lamar and Tyreek, but the depth is thinner than tissue paper.

10. The Year (1-2) – Neil has CMC and nothing else. That’s the problem.

11. Droppin’ Deuces (1-2) – Brad’s Deuce this week was less of a bomb and more of a dribble.

12. CRUSHERS (2-1) – Chuck’s champ badge is hanging by a thread after that 67-point embarrassment.

Closing Thought

Week 3 proved anything can happen in this league: CRUSHERS forgot football was on, Cranjis McBasketball rose from the ashes like a drunk phoenix, and Coach Brian finally stopped impersonating a bye week. At this rate, the Toilet Bowl might need a revolving door installed.